Monday, November 13, 2006

Looking back

A baby is born with a need to be loved - and never outgrows it. ~Frank A. Clark

My dearest E.,

I wish I had started this at the very beginning, when you first arrived. I've realised, quite belatedly, that I don't know how I'm going to relate to you everything that has happened in the past year: except that you have brought me so much joy and happiness. Joy and happiness beyond any boundaries, if joy and happiness do indeed have boundaries. Do they? I don't really know myself.

When I had first discovered that you grew within me, on 2 March 2005, I started writing a journal for you- you know, the old-fashioned type. A spring-bound notebook with a green, hard cover and I filled some of the pages with my thick, spiral-like, spider-webby handwriting. Sometimes, I cried while I wrote. You will realise that I was quite emotionally volatile then. I confessed my vices and emotions to you in the short span of time that I diligently spent writing in it. And as you grew bigger, and I grew more temperamental (and lazy), I stopped writing- and I wish I never did.

How else then could I explain to you how you took my breath away when I first saw you? I was close to tears because my body was wracked with extreme pain at first. My head was light and dizzy and the bright lights seared through my eyes. Then you appeared- and I cried for you.

How else can I tell you how I saw my own face when I looked into yours, saw Daddy's eyes reflected in your quick, alert ones? How else would you know that you were my little lamb, who suckled at my breast and that I would sing lullabies and whatever ditties that came into my head? How else....?

E., I have loved you since the day I knew you began growing within me. And I love you more with each passing day.

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