Monday, September 8, 2008

Head full of thoughts

My dearest E.,

My head is full of thoughts, of things that I want to tell you. And I say to myself, I need to put all this down in writing so that you'll remember them. But I never have the time. My life is such a roller-coaster ride these days. I'm happy because I feel fulfilled. My work has picked up tremendously, resulting in later nights at the office. Longer days, away from you. It makes me sad, but it also makes me want to strive harder to become better at what I do, because it means a good life for you if I do better.

I'm no longer the young starry-eyed girl I used to be. I've become a career-driven woman, ambitious to a certain extent now that I've found happiness at the work place. I want to achieve so much more than I already have. I want to be made a partner of the firm I work in because that is the next natural goal for me. But to do that, I need to prove myself worthy- that I am not only intelligent and good at what I do, but that I also want to grow with this firm- and I do want to grow with this firm. It niggles at my heart and some days, it gets a little painful, knowing how much I love where I am, and the people I work with. Some days I can't believe I've found a place like this where I am completely stressed-out, but oh!- so completely happy, too. And my personal goals for achievement will lead us, our family, towards a better, more comfortable life. I know that. It'll just take some time.

Maybe I want to tell you I'm sorry. For sometimes not being there when you come home to our house. For not putting you to bed and singing you your bedtime songs. For only spending half an hour with you in the mornings before I rush off to the office. I'm sorry. But I've promised you, and I've kept my word- that my weekends are all yours. No work, no crazy rushing-around. Just pure, unadulterated, happy times with my baby. And what happy times they are!

You leave me breathless most times. You tire me out because you're just so active, you want to do so many things! I don't have the heart to say 'no' because I love you, because you deserve to be all that you want to be. What an individual you've become! You will be 3 years old next month, I can hardly believe it. Has a year almost flown by?

Your father and I have registered for you to begin your early education next year. A beautiful, spacious and airy school called Peter & Jane in Mutiara Damansara, a stone's throw away from our home. You've been there twice, and went into raptures about "my school, Mummy!" You were so happy. I know you'll be happy there. Next year, you will be in nursery for half a day. And I promised myself that I would be there your first week of school. Maybe I'll keep out of sight, maybe I won't. I'm sure you'll fare fine, like you always do, you brave, independent girl!

But this just means- you're growing up. No longer a baby. But I'd still like to think of you a being that, my little baby. You'll always be my baby. Even if you're 30 years old. Please don't grow up too quickly.

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